OneNabi Consulting, Inc.

I don’t know. Call me cynical but this increasing interest in the saga related to Tiger Woods’ alleged infidelity reminds me just why I feel the idea of a “soulmate” is nothing more than idealism.  Do I believe in love? Sure. Is it possible to be in relationship with someone whom you find as absolutely breathtaking and with whom you connect on many levels? Sure.  But this notion of a soulmate goes beyond that.  Usually when this term is used it is done so with the understanding that it is that one and only someone who is just right for you.  They are the fulfillment of all that you lack; your twin soul; the most compatible person possible for you. Your soulmate “completes” you. Come on!

It is this very naive notion that finding such a person is possible which leads to such disappointment in relationships.  No one need be placed with such a burden as to be expected to be for you what you are not for yourself.  In fact, if you are looking for a soulmate then you are NOT ready for a fulfilling relationship!  Learn to love yourself first then you will be ready to love and be loved by someone else. What does that mean?

Loving yourself starts first with the journey of being willing to know yourself.  Such a journey includes the bumpy roads of accepting yourself as God created you. Perhaps not such a genius nor such a model in the looks department but nonetheless accepting your imperfect self.

Loving yourself also means that though you accept your created self with all your imperfections you nonetheless are committed to working on improving those parts of yourself that you can improve (as once said, having the courage to change those things you can change).  If you are committed to self-improvement it is not necessary to depend on someone else to even out your “rough places.”

Loving yourself means the ability to live with you!  How about it?  Can you take care of your own self?  Pay your own bills? Keep up the maintenance on your own car or house/apartment? Cook your own food? Clean your own clothes? Even entertain your own self?  Can you stand to be alone by your own freakin’ self?!  How many of you can’t eat out at a restaurant by yourselves or attend a movie by yourselves?  And just why is that? Surely doing these things with someone else is fun - I get that - BUT…. If you cannot, simply cannot do these things alone then you need to ask yourself: What about being along with ME is so problematic?

Again, I do believe in love but I am not convinced that God has made only one person per every person living.  No, I am not advocating promiscuity.  But what I am saying is, like many in my generation, I have had to learn - through no infidelity on my part - that the best of relationships are susceptible to problems. Putting your stock in someone else hoping they will bring you happiness forever and a day is simply unrealistic. Human beings will err and lovers may break your heart.  Sorry but that’s just what happens sometimes. Therefore, the ability to love again after breaking up should be good news indeed.  God has given us the capacity to love and - if necessary - love again. (Though not at the same time:)

So yeah, if what is being reported is true, Tiger was wrong but he is not perfect nor is he Elin’s soulmate.  In fact, before it’s all over we may find that Elin may not be a saint herself.  The question for me is not whether they can love each other but whether they had learned to truly love themselves BEFORE marriage and can they learn to do so in the days of ahead, filled with public scrutiny.

So tell me the truth: Do you buy into the “soulmate” theory?

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“Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more”

I feel in love with this line (in fact the entire soliloquy) from Shakespeare’s classic play Macbeth during my high school years. It spoke to me about the brevity of life and the dearth of leadership within my community.  As most teenagers I had a developing sense of concern about my ability to do anything meaningful with my life. Through the years, I have tried not only to make good on “giving something back” to the African American community but also to whatever context I find myself.  My life’s work has been made easier by friends I have met along the way who exhibit the same selfless passion and love for community.

Last night, I got a call informing me that someone whom I have adored working with had tragically died in a car accident. I don’t really know how to explain what became of me during the first seconds of the call; I was still but the world around me unashamedly moved on.  Such a surreal experience to hear of a close friend’s death!

I am mourning this great friend and gifted preacher’s death.  In some way I am also mourning the fact that the rest of the world is not also in visible mourning with me.  It seems to me that when you lose someone close to you, the whole world ought be made to stand still and mourn with you.  Yes, it is a nonsensical statement but it is how grief makes you feel.

Grief placed my body, if but for a few seconds, in catatonic shock. Forget the food that needs to be cooked; forget the errands that need to be done; forget the phone that needs to be answered; forget the door that needs to be opened.  Nothing should take place, everything must stand still in honor of the ineffable friendship we once shared.  ”Let it wait” was my visceral reaction.

And now even sleep must wait until I can say, until I have written, until I can share what a wonderful, beautiful person Reverend Joseph Roberson was. Shakespeare was wrong but I’m not mad at Shakespeare.  He didn’t know my friend.  What is more, he didn’t know yours.

Let the “stuff” of life stand still for a few moments.  Call someone you love and tell them how much they mean to you. Don’t send one of those “chain letter” -been “FWDed” fifty million times piece of junk.  Do it the old school way, YOU make the call; this thing is personal.

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Love has never been nor will it ever be endemic.  Love just flows in motion.  It makes me understand Zora Neale Hurston’s classic and classy description: “Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.” Whoever declares their divorce from love is simply a sad soul with a sad case of  heart-nesia.  Their pain has tossed their heart into a crippling malaise and inability to remember the joy of love.  Their soul has forgotten the poems it once wrote in iambic pentameter: “i wait| each night| when phone| time shines |your light” (more…)

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