OneNabi Consulting, Inc.

I don’t know. Call me cynical but this increasing interest in the saga related to Tiger Woods’ alleged infidelity reminds me just why I feel the idea of a “soulmate” is nothing more than idealism.  Do I believe in love? Sure. Is it possible to be in relationship with someone whom you find as absolutely breathtaking and with whom you connect on many levels? Sure.  But this notion of a soulmate goes beyond that.  Usually when this term is used it is done so with the understanding that it is that one and only someone who is just right for you.  They are the fulfillment of all that you lack; your twin soul; the most compatible person possible for you. Your soulmate “completes” you. Come on!

It is this very naive notion that finding such a person is possible which leads to such disappointment in relationships.  No one need be placed with such a burden as to be expected to be for you what you are not for yourself.  In fact, if you are looking for a soulmate then you are NOT ready for a fulfilling relationship!  Learn to love yourself first then you will be ready to love and be loved by someone else. What does that mean?

Loving yourself starts first with the journey of being willing to know yourself.  Such a journey includes the bumpy roads of accepting yourself as God created you. Perhaps not such a genius nor such a model in the looks department but nonetheless accepting your imperfect self.

Loving yourself also means that though you accept your created self with all your imperfections you nonetheless are committed to working on improving those parts of yourself that you can improve (as once said, having the courage to change those things you can change).  If you are committed to self-improvement it is not necessary to depend on someone else to even out your “rough places.”

Loving yourself means the ability to live with you!  How about it?  Can you take care of your own self?  Pay your own bills? Keep up the maintenance on your own car or house/apartment? Cook your own food? Clean your own clothes? Even entertain your own self?  Can you stand to be alone by your own freakin’ self?!  How many of you can’t eat out at a restaurant by yourselves or attend a movie by yourselves?  And just why is that? Surely doing these things with someone else is fun - I get that - BUT…. If you cannot, simply cannot do these things alone then you need to ask yourself: What about being along with ME is so problematic?

Again, I do believe in love but I am not convinced that God has made only one person per every person living.  No, I am not advocating promiscuity.  But what I am saying is, like many in my generation, I have had to learn - through no infidelity on my part - that the best of relationships are susceptible to problems. Putting your stock in someone else hoping they will bring you happiness forever and a day is simply unrealistic. Human beings will err and lovers may break your heart.  Sorry but that’s just what happens sometimes. Therefore, the ability to love again after breaking up should be good news indeed.  God has given us the capacity to love and - if necessary - love again. (Though not at the same time:)

So yeah, if what is being reported is true, Tiger was wrong but he is not perfect nor is he Elin’s soulmate.  In fact, before it’s all over we may find that Elin may not be a saint herself.  The question for me is not whether they can love each other but whether they had learned to truly love themselves BEFORE marriage and can they learn to do so in the days of ahead, filled with public scrutiny.

So tell me the truth: Do you buy into the “soulmate” theory?

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I’m presently waiting for a flight home after attending my family’s 21st Family Reunion held in Syracuse, NY.  It has been some time since I have been able to celebrate this annual event which my family hosts at various cities across the country.  I’m glad I came to this one.

Aside from getting a chance to visit another city, I am always touched by the very idea that my family is so committed to the idea of us all coming together to see one another under circumstances other than dire illness or death.  I always feel loved, from the first to the last embrace.  And, I always leave with lasting memories.

During the presidential campaign and the many days thereafter, much was said about the great example and sense of “family” President Obama embodies.  While I agree with this, I cringe whenever it is articulated as though he and his family are an anomaly among African American families (whatever is meant by the term “family”).  As I watched my family this weekend, I know this belief is anything but true.  There are many African American men who simply adore and support their children and partners.  Many African American women who work hard in and out of the home while at the same time striving to ensure their children have a healthy sense of self.  So many men and women in our culture having no biological children have - without complaint and with a whole lot of love - helped raise the children of their friends, family members, neighbors or those who were orphaned or placed in foster care.

Yes, we have some miscreant personalities within our culture but so does every other ethnic group where humans have the right to decide their lot in life.  Unfortunately, we live in a word where it so often seems that it is “vogue” to be anything but African American.  And too often, the exceptional personality becomes the normative rule.

Celebrating with my family reminded me of how easy it is to forgive when you have love in your heart.  It reminded me of how wonderful the conversations of elders and children can be when time is taken to simply sit, remember, teach and strive to hear (really hear) and understand.

I can hardly wait until next year.  Virginia here we come!

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It’s a new year…REALLY.  This month, January, is such a phenomenal month!  It is the birth month of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and also the birth month of yours truly.  This year, I have not only the pleasure of celebrating Dr. King’s birthday but also celebrating my 50th birthday, which - being January 31st - I have always enjoyed during Super Bowl weekend.  But this year, the icing on the cake (pun intended) is not the Super Bowl - though I dearly love it - but rather, it is being able to celebrate the inauguration of our nation’s first African American president!

Unlike many children growing up, I never had a birthday party.  I grew up very poor and there were simply too many mouths to feed among my six siblings for my parents to consider such a thing.  In fact, to this day, I have never had a birthday party.  So this year, I decided it’s about time!  To celebrate, I am traveling home to Florida where I am hosting a large birthday bash at an exclusive resort hotel on a small island called Singer Island.  It’s such a lovely hotel and is where President-elect Obama stayed during his campaigning in the Palm Beaches.

I have imagined that the arrow on the stress monitor has just about gone off the dial given so many things happening in my life this month, though all of them are such wonderful events!  I consider these awesome days ahead birthday gifts from God.  I am simply overjoyed at having been allowed to live to witness these miraculous days!  Who could ask for more?

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By now you’ve probably seen it. The video made by a group of girl bullies as they beat up on one helpless little girl. Disgustingly recorded to broadcast as a type of “reality entertainment” on YouTube. I saw the hideous crime on the news one night before going to bed.

As my life sometimes goes, the next morning, I saw another similar news piece about a young boy named Andrew Johnston. Andrew lives in Britain’s council estates (what we call public housing or projects). The object of bullying, he too appeared on television, but thankfully not totally under the same circumstances.

Andrew was auditioning for Britain’s Got Talent (the show that gave birth to so many of the Idol series). When asked how he deals with bullying he responded, “I just keep on singing.” And so he did. As I stood in front of the television, Andrew sang an exquisite requiem, the likes of which reminded me of my late brother Darrell’s love of classical music and his dynamic fight to be accepted as a classical musician. (more…)

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